my miscarriage / pregnancy of unknown location

December 30, 2018
positive pregnancy test

2018 was a rough year, full of ups and so many downs. Never did I guess it would end with a miscarriage. Hearing my blood test was positive and I was pregnant was the most exciting day of this year. Hands down. The nurse said my number was a little low for being 5 weeks, but not to stress.

4 days later I got back the results from my second blood draw. My numbers were rising, but slowly. I had 4 happy days of dreaming about this baby. Figuring out my due date, thinking how strange it would be to be super pregnant in summer, wondering if baby was a boy or girl, picturing Benny as a big brother. It was a long two weeks with blood draws every other day, including my birthday (Christmas Eve), spending 4 hours in the ER and had 2 ultrasounds.

I was diagnosed as “pregnancy with an unknown location” and miscarried on my own, which means I avoided the shot that starts a miscarriage to end an ectopic pregnancy. It sucks and it’s not fair… driving from Christmas to Christmas, putting in a happy face even though I was losing my baby.

So, for everyone else who is feeling depressed, anxious, upset or angry, you’re not alone. If sharing what you’re going through helps, then do it. If it helps to keep it to yourself, do it. For me, I need to share. And then I need a few days away from my feed full of cute baby bumps and adorable newborns. I need to process my grief and the loss of this baby I am losing.

I am so thankful for friends who drop everything to pick my kids up from the ER so I could concentrate on myself. Friends and family who send texts and snapchats and flowers and who check in on me every day. Right now I’m not okay, but I know I will be. I have two beautiful babies here with me and one angel baby in heaven.

Here’s to starting 2019 with hope in my heart and my love for my family stronger than ever. ❤️

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